Last year, on the first anniversary of Ara's death, I wrote this letter to her. I shared it with her photos on Facebook, but not as a blog post. And now, here I am, 25 days away from the second anniversary of her death. I'm hoping that as the day approaches, I will be able … Continue reading Still and always →

A lot has happened in the last year. I started graduate school, we re-opened our adoption license, and Justin started a small business. Oh, and a crazy pandemic has torn through the world and upended just about every aspect of our daily lives, bringing immeasurable grief and pain. And then there was George, Breonna, Elijiah, … Continue reading As the whole world grieves… →

I wake to see that it is 2 am and realize that February 8th has rolled into February 9th,  officially making it Justin's birthday. There's a soft white glow in the room that I know is from his phone, which means he’s awake. I start to lean toward him to wish him a happy birthday, … Continue reading The First Birthday →

This past Monday marked nine months since Ara died. Children conceived at the time of her death are starting to push their way into the world. She has been gone long enough for whole human beings to form. This realization makes me feel simultaneously thankful and furious. I am thankful that life continues, that new … Continue reading Grief and me- Relationship Status: It’s Complicated →

I never intended to let three months pass between posts. If you are reading this, you may thinking I am offering this as an apology to you. But I am not. First, apologizing would imply that my lack of posts had wronged you in some way, and that seems more than a little arrogant. More … Continue reading What I want my words to do →

I am trying to wrap my head around today. Not today itself- it was pretty ordinary one. But what today is, or was, one year ago. The fact that it has been one year is astonishing, simultaneously in how long the year felt and how quickly it went by. Today marks one year since our … Continue reading Sisters In Grief →

I wrote this letter on May 5, 2019 during National Nurse Appreciation Week. I decided it needed a re-post because several of these remarkable people- these "beautiful spirits"- have continued to support our family and keep Ara's memory. I truly miss them all, and I will be forever thankful that they exist... and in awe … Continue reading Re-post: A love letter to my daughter’s nurses →

I am sitting sideways on a lounge chair on the deck of the resort in Myrtle Beach. The ocean, no more than a hundred feet away, is calm with soft waves lapping at the sand. The fronds of the palm trees are swaying gently in the breeze and I can feel the tendrils of hair … Continue reading Thoughts from a lounge chair →

"I promise to live every day in a way that would always have made you proud to call me Mom." These words haunt me. They were mine... the words I whispered to my dying child in our last moments alone, just hours before she let go. I meant them. I don't regret them- not exactly. … Continue reading The Promise →

"We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don't disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms."  -Paulo Coelho  I'm not sleeping much these days. Sleep and I have never exactly been great friends, but in the four weeks since Ara's death, sleep is acting more like a bitter enemy, taunting … Continue reading Different Rooms →